Without “knots” and “holes”: how and when to start a conversation with a teenager about sex. The sexologist tells

Is it necessary to talk with a teenager about sex and how to do it right?

Why the Parent Must Be Ready to Talk First
“Sasha, now I’ll tell you what sex is and how to do it …” is a rather strange wording for starting a conversation within the framework of a teenager-parent communication. But someone may well start “adult conversations” with their child with just such words.

First of all, it is necessary to understand that correct and timely sex education does not begin and end with “adult conversation”. This is a whole adult approach to the concept of sex and intimacy, as well as communication on such topics.

In this matter, the worldview of the parent fundamentally influences the formation of attitudes towards sex in the child.

If a parent is afraid of such topics or considers having sex something shameful, the child may have certain problems and even psychological trauma in the future.

If you answer questions in a timely manner, explain, comment on situations, for example, from films, a teenager will have a correct idea of ​​what sex, personal boundaries and pleasure are.

There may not be an introductory conversation as such, and this will rather be a consequence of the fact that your communication with a child has long passed to the level of communication between adults.

When to talk about sex
It is difficult to give an exact age. Someone is ready for such a conversation already at the age of 11, and for someone it will be too early for 14 years. You probably noticed that there are mature teenagers who can look like they are over 20, and there are teenagers who are children.

However, the basic concepts need to be conveyed to the child as early as kindergarten age. For example, that no one should touch him in the intimate area. This is primarily about personal boundaries that will help him avoid harassment.

In the 8th grade (13-14 years old), schools usually begin to study human anatomy in biology classes. It will be great if a teenager by this time is already aware of all the main points of intimate life.

How to name the genitals
One of the most popular questions comes down to the fact that parents cannot determine how to name the genitals.

Pistils and stamens? Knots and holes? Cucumbers and tomatoes? Faucets and slits? This, of course, is no good.

The hand is called the hand, the ear is the ear, but THIS is for some reason, as in the books of JK Rowling, “the one whose name cannot be called.” The penis (penis), testicles and scrotum in boys and the vulva on the outside with the vagina (vagina) inside in girls – everything has its own quite understandable names, and the child should know them. For what? To be able to talk about it and, if necessary, to be able to tell what is happening to him.

Purpose of the conversation
First, the teenager needs to convey the purpose of your conversation.

“You are already an adult, so you should know this …” is a very dubious goal.

Better this way:

“This conversation is important for many reasons. Starting from the fact that it is necessary to protect yourself from various dangerous diseases and irreparable consequences, to the fact that with this knowledge you will feel more confident.

In a conversation, in no case should you “nightmare” a teenager that sex is bad, dirty, dangerous, embarrassing, and so on, otherwise it can run like a red line through your child’s whole life.

It is necessary to make it clear that sex is good and pleasant. But only on time, safely and mutually.

In time – when your body, emotions and mind are ready for it.

Safe – when it does not threaten your health, your future life and your relationships, and also when it does not entail undesirable consequences in the form of, for example, an unexpected pregnancy.

Mutually – this means that “on time” should be not only for you, but also for your partner. Without persuasion and coercion, but with the active consent of her / him.

What is the setting for this conversation?
In trust.

And when this trusting situation develops depends on you and other factors. This conversation may well take place in the car while you are driving home with your teenager after some club or holiday. Or after dinner, where everyone was in a good mood.

The main thing is that the conversation should not be coercion, but come in handy. It’s best to be spontaneous, because any warning that “we’re about to have a serious conversation” will put anyone off. At this age, the nervous system is already quite fragile, and talking about it can easily make a person shut down or even run away.

There is another important point that I would like to highlight. You cannot explain what you do not know yourself, and you cannot teach what you do not understand.

Explore the issue for yourself, do your own sex education at any age, then you can nurture and pass on your knowledge, confidence and love to your child.